I didn't shave. On purpose
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
