Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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