i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She bit a glass in half.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
