Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want her autograph on my taint
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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