I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
