watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
