Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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