No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
