Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
