I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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