I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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