every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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