Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
