I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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