im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
