The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
