Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I love how my cats smell like pot.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They have beer where we have blood.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
