mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
