when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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