omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sobbing to NWA
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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