I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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