I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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