Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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