A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
