I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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