the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
