His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.