Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
