I just pynch a tree in the face
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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