There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think my fart just growled at me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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