i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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