My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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