Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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