My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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