too bad you live with your parents still
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
