I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
