great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
