Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
