One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
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I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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