look no pants
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
