Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
