it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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