I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
