My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
