His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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