This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
