I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
