Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
