Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
