how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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