Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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