Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and she was petting her beer can
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
