My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
