I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
