I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
